Here's my special Christmas Countdown for fellow bah humbuggers out there who couldn't give a figgy pudding about Christmas yet either:
1. The number of annoying, smug-fest adverts excreted by John Lewis (whose wet warbley soundtrack is bound to be the Christmas number one) which features a boy counting the minutes to give his present to his mum and dad.
As Charlie Brooker put it, what you're actually watching is the awakening of psychopath-in-training and that the box actually contains the head of the family dog.
2. The number of times your children will alert you to the fact that they have located, played with and got bored of, their presents.
3. The number of times you will go to M&S to try to buy a Christmas pudding, only to find they've been snaffled by pigeon faced pensioners and men wearing mustard cords.
4. The number of glasses of pinot noir you will need to inhale before you stumble over to your neighbour's 'turkey and tinsel' evening.
5. The number of heavy sighs you will make before reminding your other half again when the kiddleywinks nativity is.
6. The number of pairs of scissors you did have but can't find, leaving you to cut selotape with your teeth or gardening secateurs.
7. The number of times you will utter "I knew we should have had Christmas to ourselves this year" whilst fidgeting at your in-laws because Elf is on and everyone else wants to watch Downton Abbey.
8. The number of times you will need to replenish the bottles of Cava you have stashed in the garage for Christmas Day, before Christmas Day.
9. The number of extra pounds you will acquire from hoovering up Cadbury's Roses like a chocolate scoffing magpie. Step away from the tin Cakey Price.
10. The number of times you will regret insisting on a real tree ('because it smells Christmassy'), when you find a special present from the cat in its pot and are still tweezering pine needles from your feet at Easter.
11. The number of times you wake up in the night doubting whether you actually turned the Christmas tree light off. Wait, I'm sure...is that burning I can smell...?
12. The number of laughs you will have by asking anyone under the age of five to slap their cheeks and pull the face of Macualey Culkin in the Home Alone poster.
So, did I miss any? Please feel free to add your christmas crackers below.
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